The Importance of a Safe Word

Safe Words are often a concept we think of exclusively reserved for when you’re engaging in BDSM, however a Safe Word is something we should expand to all aspects of our sexual relationships.

One example of why I love Safe Words is because I am ticklish. I am ticklish in a way that is unpleasant, terrifying and makes me feel totally out of control. Tickling has brought on anxiety attacks and bouts of hyperventilating, however, not everything that tickles is totally unpleasant. When I sit down to have a talk with a new partner about how tickling is NOT okay with me (a previously awkward, but now totally comfortable conversation) I like to bring up a safe word.

Like I said, I am ticklish, particularly when I’m tense, particularly aroused or in the beginning of a relationship. I don’t want my partner however, to believe that when I’m getting a massage and I wiggle with what is actually pleasure, that they have to panic and completely stop. A safe word lets them know when I need things to absolutely cease and desist. The same goes for sex.

Sometimes when we say ‘No’ in bed, we do NOT mean stop that entirely. We mean, ‘Not right now’, ‘Not there’, ‘Not like that’, and in particular with consensual relationships that I enjoy, sometimes it even means ‘Fight me for it’. We do not need to take ‘No’ out of our vernacular in consensual loving relationships, what you and your partner need is a word that means ‘Absolutely Not. No questions asked’.

The nice thing about a safe word, other than the fact that it encourages clear conversations about consent between partners, it also encourages partners to ask or know WHY they can’t do things. Sometimes you may need to use a Safe Word if you are over stimulated. Either in the moment (or after) your partner can start a simple dialogue with you ‘Is that too much? How would you like it?’ etc. Safe Words make conversation in attempts for better sex totally Okay, because they are Necessary.

Safe Words also make a clear distinction for your partner about things you are not okay with NOW even if you were Okay with them previously. Maybe you tried Anal Sex or play for the first time and very much enjoyed it, but the next time, although your partner was very much into it, something doesn’t quite feel right and you need to stop. Safe Words help create a language where stopping is non-negotiable. It is a very clear way to say ‘That is too much, I am not enjoying myself. Stop it’.

As I said previously, my ideal usage of a Safe Word comes to tickling, so they need not be sex specific or specific to one act. Just make sure that you choose a word that is totally non-sexual and you know you will be able to say if you are in distress.

05/8/12