Anonymous said: Christian does not over ride ana wanting to negotiate the contrate. They definitely work things out to their liking. And on top of that, there was 100% concent in everything they did. She read the contract and agreed to the spanking gags and ropes.

Oh, you wanna play this game? Let’s play!

  1. He sends her an email saying that her negative reaction to being spanked is “very Tess Durbeyfield” of her, saying “you agreed to the debasement, if I remember correctly.” May I just say that if I had a scene that ended in my sub or bottom feeling upset, assaulted, and confused about whether or not they enjoyed the scene, I would think that was me fucking up, not the sub’s fault for not feeling things the way I want them to feel.
  2. Ana gets the contract and what does she think? “This is no way to have a relationship.” She doesn’t like it. She’s not excited about it, she’s not falling over herself because this is the relationship she’s always wanted but never had a name for, she’s afraid.
  3. When she brings up points of contention in her email to him, he sends back the dictionary definition of “submissive” and tells her that’s how she’s supposed to act when they negotiate. For those following along at home, that’s not how you discuss a relationship equitably. It’s called “acting like you’re in a dynamic that you haven’t mutually agreed to,” and it’s a classic move of scumbags.
  4. When she tries to discuss their relationship (in the dinner scene), he treats it like a contract negotiation, which of course is helped by the fact that he just gave her an actual physical contract. Here’s the thing: in a contract negotiation, it’s an adversarial relationship. If I want to pay $2000 for this car and you want me to pay $5000, anything that ends in my favor is a loss for you and anything that gets you what you want is a loss for me. Kink is about finding things you both enjoy, and then perhaps expanding on that foundation together as you both get more comfortable, not haggling like a used car dealer over how many hours of sleep you get a night.
  5. Sure, she might be up for spanking, gags, and ropes. Except that time when he drags her to his family’s boathouse to spank her for the dire offense of not letting him finger her in front of his parents, while she’s protesting and begging him not to hit her, then gives her the option of either having sex with him or getting spanked, then moves the goalposts so it’s now “don’t come or you’ll get spanked.” That doesn’t scream “oh yes give me more spanking now” to me.


Queer Muslim Masterpost


This post pretty much came about because I was asked if I had resources for Muslims who were discovering or newly coming to terms with their sexuality. I didn’t, and the poor advice I had to offer was … poor. So, I pulled up a few of the blogs I followed that are targeted towards queer Muslims, and put together this little post for you!

Queer Muslim Blogs:

Queer Muslim 101:

A good thing to remember is to avoid the self-hatred phase, if you can. Focus on loving yourself, and realising that Allah made you just the way you are, and that you are loved. If this phase is unavoidable, here are some helpful sites:

If you are a student and would like to get Faisal Alam to speak at your uni, or to see if he is coming to your uni soon, click here.

If you would like to attend Faisal Alam’s 2013 Retreat for Queer Muslims and their partners, here is the facebook event, and here is more info. Register for the retreat here.

If you are from Indonesia, Pakistan, Bangladesh, or India and want to share your experiences (anonymously), please click here.

If you can spare some funds, help navigatethestream, a queer Muslim, become an Imam to help the Muslim LGBT* community!

Lastly, here is a link if you are NOT a queer Muslim, but want to be a good ALLY! (And here is another on how NOT to be a saviour!)

Muslim-Queer-Friendly Blogs:

Read More

(via curiously-chamomile-queer)

In Light Of The New 50 Shades of Grey Trailer

E.L. James knows as much about BDSM as she would have found in a five minute Google search, which is to say that she knows precisely jack shit.

50 Shades of Grey does not depict a realistic kinky relationship, nor does it depict a healthy relationship of either the kinky or vanilla variety.

It is a Twilight fanfic, and has all the elements of Edward and Bella’s abusive relationship with kink added for extra flavor. Just as Edward and Bella are not a healthy or realistic couple, neither are Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.

Christian Grey is an abuser who manipulates a young woman with zero knowledge of BDSM into a relationship with him. He knows she is ignorant of what a healthy BDSM relationship looks like, and uses this to:

  • ignore and override her attempts at negotiation,
  • play without a safeword (since she doesn’t know that they exist),
  • create a false dichotomy of “either we’re kinky my way or we just don’t have sex at all,”
  • threaten and stalk her,
  • rape her,
  • prevent her from discussing her relationship with anyone other than him,
  • and control aspects of her personal life, including what car she drives, what medications she takes, and how she spends her free time.

This is not BDSM. This is not sexy. This is abuse.

Using 50 Shades as your basis for how a kinky relationship works (for critical or practical purposes) is like treating Titanic: The Legend Goes On as a historical documentary. Don’t do it.


The acclaimed model announced that she will only be modeling women’s fashion going forward and that her agency supports her transition
Model Andreja Pejic comes out publicly as a transgender woman, shares her experience with media and Facebook fans | GLAAD (via obstinatecondolement)

(via sogrump)

One year my colleagues David and Carole were preparing a skit on abuse for a conference, and they decided to perform a rehearsal for their abuser group. Afterward, the group members rapid-fired their suggestions for improving the skit, directing them mostly at David: “No, no, you don’t make excuses for why you’re home late, that puts you on the defensive, you’ve got to turn it around on her, tell her you know she’s cheating on you….. You’re staying too far away from her, David. Take a couple of steps toward her, so she’ll know that you mean business…. You’re letting her say too much. You’ve got to cut her off and stick to your points.” The counselors were struck by how aware the clients were of the kinds of tactics they use, and why they use them: In the excitement of giving feedback on the skit, the men let down their facade as “out-of-control abuser who doesn’t realize what he’s doing.

“Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft (via bajo-el-mar)

I really need to read this, Jesus.

(via selfcareafterrape)

(via baronmagdalene)

Anonymous said: What does 420 mean

I fail to see what this has to do with what we talk about, but ta-da.






Will liberal, pro sex work feminists ever care about Eastern European women being sold into prostitution in Germany?

The very idea of this post is ridiculous. How many times do we have to say that sex work and trafficking aren’t the fucking same? Being pro sex work does NOT mean we don’t care about trafficking victims, Jesus fucking Christ.

Who’s saying they’re the same? The point is that the legalization of sex work is correlated with increased instances of human trafficking.

Most of this pro sex work legislation is written under the assumption that a larger market of legal prostitutes will decrease the “demand” for trafficked women, but that simply isn’t the case. The legalization of sex work broadens markets for prostitution, which in turn increases the number of women being trafficked into these countries [x]. Amsterdam and Italy are prime examples of countries where legal prostitution was legalized and organized prostitution, like brothels, was outlawed, yet by and large women are still subject to pimping. This increase in the number of trafficked victims doesn’t seem so surprising considering terms of imprisonment for prosecuted traffickers are paltry at best [x].

What’s more, it’s not like these are regional issues. Women and girls are trafficked and sold into prostitution in the west too, and because sexual attitudes in the West and in Europe are so similar [x], it’s not a stretch to assume that the same increase in demand that we’re seeing in Europe would occur in the West as well.

Pro sex work arguments are correct in that we shouldn’t demonize people who are sex workers or see them imprisoned for resorting to sex work, but branding the legalization of sex work as a liberatory practice while ignoring the glaring human rights issues that it exacerbates is dangerous.

"Who’s saying they’re the same? The point is that the legalization of sex work is correlated with increased instances of human trafficking."

No, it’s linked to increased REPORTS of trafficking. Common sense will tell you that a woman who faces both violence from the person trafficking her and incriminating herself for illegal prostitution isn’t going to report what’s being done. Infact, criminalization is what makes it easy for women to be trafficked. There will always be a demand for prostitutes, legal or not, but when it’s criminalized, it’s unsafe for women to report anything that happens to them, including trafficking, rape, and assault from clients or pimps. Legalization means these women can come forward and seek protection when they are being forced, rather than be thrown in jail for prostitution. 

Trafficking and sex work STILL aren’t the same though. And, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me, a sex worker, about my job. No one’s saying it’s “liberatory.” I don’t find my job empowering and I reject the idea that it should be considered any more revolutionary tan any other job. But I am SICK TO FUCKING DEATH of people throwing me and fellow sex workers under the bus as not caring for trafficking victims or somehow exacerbating the issue when we’re just trying to put fucking food on our table. 

So, I ask, what the fuck are YOU doing for these victims? Because my fight for sex work to be legalized will help ALL sex workers, as well as victims AND clients. By making it legal for us to do our jobs, legal for us to carry condoms and go to clinics to get tested without fear. And by making it legal to sell sex, those who are forced to don’t have to worry about having the book thrown at them for admitting that someone is controlling them and their bodies.

But what the fuck do us hookers know, right?

(via misandry-mermaid)

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